| me and jonathans 2 year anniv. |
[24 Nov 2009|10:15pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
so we did shrooms yesterday and it was the most intense
one ive had since the first time i did them.
first of all i worked the night before til 12am then went into
work at 4:30am..then when i got off of work at 10am
i woke jonathan up so we can eat our shrooms..keep in mind i only had 3 hours of sleep.
we got two eighths and i was nervous to take a full one
because i never have before half of an eighth was always
good enough for me but jonathan pressured me to just do it.
which he soon ended up regretting..
so we ate them and jonathan started tripping ballz like 10 mins
after he ate them, i wasnt feeling much so we put on a nightmare before
christmas thinking it would be a great idea but as soon as
the intro started it was going bad, the whole "THIS IS HALLOWEEN! THIS IS HALLOWEEN!!"
started turning on us so i just turned the t.v. off and jonathan ran
to go puke i figured it wasnt a big deal cause he pukes over many things
but he started getting all sweaty and was telling me to not leave him
not even across the room and he wanted me to call my connect to ask him
what was in the shrooms and i started laughing at him because i thought
it was hillarious and everything was funny to me at the time but he had
the most terrified look on his face so we sat in bed and we were holding hands
until suddenly i couldnt feel myself holding his hand anymore and i started asking
him wtf is happening it kinda felt like that scene from beetlejuice when
that couple is disappearing from the attic into the living room and they start
aging..so as soon as i said that jonathan told me he thought he was dying..
so i took him outside and he puked in the plants i didnt know why he was
throwing up at all so much i figured it was cause he ate them with orange juice
which enhances it.
we went to the playground in our backyard and thats when the shrooms took its peak
it felt like the sun was glowing and shining down only on us..he was feeling better too.
we tripped out on the whole backyard i kept getting stuck on these bricks on the floor
and i kept trying to pick them off from the ground and jonathan was helping me hahah
everything looked so dreamy our bushes were tripping us out because the leaves
were all in this insane motion everything felt so right and me and jonathan
talked about so many random things and were laughing at the dumbest shit.
but i think we had the deepest connection on this trip because we laughed
and cried in a matter of jumping from conversations it was like we couldnt help
laughing and then we couldnt help crying. we both talked about how we love life
and how we love eachothers family and kept going back how awesome we are for eachother.
the more we talked the more we'd drift off into things around us
i just kept wanting to take the bricks out the ground.
at the peak of the playground we talked about how happy we were right now
and we're we are at we said that if ever feel like we are losing eachother
in reality we'd have to take shrooms to find eachother again.
i know it sounds lame and that its just shrooms and a 'drug'
but it makes feel so spiritual and so close to jonathan we're im convinced
he's my soul mate. especially at the fact that we first fell for eachother on
our first time on them. shrooms is the most romantic thing ive ever felt with
jonathan, ive never had so much fun with anyone or had such
intimate conversations with anyone on that level.
i was amazed at how much more he opened up to me.
it felt like the trip was going on forever when i went into the bathroom
i looked in the mirror and my eyes were falling off my face and in the reflection
of my wall there was a ghosty chubby character in back of me it was cute but not scary.
my mom was calling me non stop because i havent talked to her all day and
i actually talked to her on shrooms i felt like i was going insane and i will never
do that again..i deserve the noble peace prize because i thought she would notice
or that i wasnt making sense because i couldnt think at all.
we were watching t.v. again and that stupid "Finally Fast.com" commercial came
on and i always talk about how much i hate so you can imagine watching it on
shrooms right when it was on my stomach turned on me and i felt like i was going
to puke and right when that annoying bastard says "MOM THIS INTERNET CONNECTION IS
SOOO SLOW!" i ran into the restroom and puked my brains out and jonathan was laughing
at me and i began to cry.
thats when i realized the shrooms turned on me like they did to jonathan
i was like babe this trip has been going on forever its already nighttime and im
still deep into these! for a second i was convinced that because i took a whole eighth
it was going to last for 12 hours and that half was only 4 hours and i started
panicing and my heart was racing and i had the urge to throw up and i did.
i told jonathan to go to justin and tell him what is happening and at that point
jonathan was fine and i felt like it was never going to end or that it was going
to happen for 12 hours and i would go insane. but he tried to calm me
and i puked alot and my heart was racing he tried to help me get my mind off of it
but my mind wouldnt let me. it was funny that i was experiencing that EXACT samething
he experineced when he first ate them.
he took me back to the playground and it was the only place where i felt calm because
i felt like i was in a different world there. and gently the trip faded away
but it seriously felt like the longest trip of all time.
i felt kinda sad knowing everything would go back to normal because of how great
it felt at my peak with jonathan. but never an eighth again and i dont know
why it caused us to throw up.
i just googled it right now and this is what i got.
It can happen... usually at higher doses, or if you have eaten something before. Magic mushrooms are also a food poisonning, so your body naturally reacts that way. If you want to feel the effects, you should try to hold them is for as long as you can. Throwing up on magic mushrooms can feel really purifying.
the shroom trip pretty much felt identical to the true blood episode
when jason hallucinates off of vampires blood with that one chick he
falls in love with.
so yeah every anniversary we are going to take shrooms :P
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| posting for lui and annette. |
[07 Nov 2009|05:53pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
] |
kinda copying lui's post about an update on my life but
you 2 are the only ones that are worth to update for on this;
things are starting to weigh real heavy on me lately.
living on my own is really starting to take its toll on how hard it can be.
for one jonathans hours have been cut really bad where i'm mostly
paying for alot of things. (which ive never had a problem doing because im a strong
independant womannnn) but i'm starting to get worried on how we're going
to have money for things.
Not only do i have rent to make by the end of this month,
but i also have to pay a $233 phone bill that i got because i lost my iphone
and added a line with jonathan so they doubled our activation fees!
then pay for utilities and cable on top of my credit card bills.
both my sister and my mom owe me money on credit card bills that i dont even
wanna get into for the sake of getting a headache.
I wouldnt be as worried if his hours werent like the way they are right now.
To make things worse for me I'm getting second thoughts on this Aldo job.
I have to take on so much responsibilites now that im part of management
that its been overwhelming me.
John being my manager is not fun at all. he's a total narc and makes my job
harder by getting on my ass on every move i make.
plus theres so many steps of paper work every closing and morning shift,
paper work where to a point i dont have to clean anything because im doing
so much paperwork every nite while the sales associates clean and it takes me
about an hour to get out of there!!
I've been making little mistakes on handbag percenatages and deposits
that i just get annoyed with myself and with john.
not to mention hes been a nazi about the hours hes promised and my breaks.
all this while thinking of endless bills to pay off and working.
it made me think that i had it pretty much made at harley-davidson.
but yeah yeah yeah i need more responsibility and experience to handle
;the real; world life.
and i dont want to jinx myself and think i can't make it on my own.
ive been saving money and have been tight with things by not going out as much
and saving emergency money if jonathans hours get worse.
all this stress is making me feel empty inside where i'm not happy with myself
and who i am in the ways i still interact with people.
im getting to that point where i dont want to talk anymore
for the sake of talking. as loud as i can get in conversations,
i just wanna be quite some days.
i love expressing myself to my friends and people in general but lately
i feel that somethings are better left unsaid or not worth saying at all.
then i start getting real upset with myself on how it came out all over again and yadaa yadaa
blah blah blahahh never ending cycle..
i just feel all BLAH. might i add watching office space and fun with dick and jane
DID NOT HELP MY MOOD.
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| starting to believe good things really do happen to good people. |
[15 Oct 2009|11:41pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
So I'm all settled into my new place.
i have an awesome comfy bed and an awesome HD T.V.
that im completely satisfied with this place.
I also got a new job today which is with John at Aldo
I had an interview with the district manager and i nailed it
ofcourse.
I dont worry much about working with john because we've worked
together before with the whole band nation thing and i don't
mind him being my boss, with the douchebag one i had nothing
can compare.
Especially the fact that I'm going to have a higher position
with higher pay! and i'm not be a just any bullshit sales associate plus i get to
dress real cute to work like i like to and not wear ugly harley clothes.
*sigh* i never thought i would leave that job or find one that paid
as good or more for that matter. its going to look real good on my resume.
I just want to get ahead in life already i'm glad these changes are
happening at this part of my life at once.
I'm getting shit done and I'm being a real good independant girl.
I'm real proud of myself.
I went to visit my mom yesterday and she seemed in a better mood since i left.
i went to home depot with her and my sister because my sister is moving into my old
room and shes painting it. My mom gave me some recipes to cook for myself
and i can cook pretty good since everyone in this house loves my cooking so far.
Our relationship is getting closer again like it was when i was dorming.
Living with her was just too much for the both of us.
So yay.
i lost my iphone today tho while i was grocery shopping and its no where to be
found. i called and it rang and rang til finally it was turned off
so someone stole it. Whateves. I'm going to buy a new one tmorrow i just hate
getting a new number i had that one for awhile too. Bleh.
But if it wasn't for everything else going right in my life i would have
been more upset.
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| its amazing how our fights go from this: |
[29 Sep 2009|01:37am] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
To this:
Jonathan is so my Aidan.
I just can't screw it up like Carrie ends up doing.
I appreciate the nice guy he truly is and i love him for it.
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| Tell me what you know about dreamin’ dreamin’ |
[24 Sep 2009|01:22am] |
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mood |
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 amused |
] |
I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good.
god damn kid cudi.
the only mainstream hip artist i fell in love
with since day and night.
im a strange girl.
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| So it's confirmed |
[15 Sep 2009|06:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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accomplished |
] |
We got the house in Anaheim.
4 bed 3 bath jaquzzi and pool baby!
Not to mention a built in fire pit.
We move in Oct 4th. I'm so excited :)
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| ready ready. |
[13 Sep 2009|01:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 content |
] |
So I am definetly going to move.
I'm just waiting on justin and jeff.
I know it sounds like something crazy to do out
of impulse, but it makes sense the more i think about it.
Justin just happened to text me if me and jonathan needed
a place or ever wanted to get a place that him and jeff
were willing to have us move in if we help out with the rent.
I know everyone I told has told me 'thats a big step'
I know it is but I'm not really worrying about.
I'm more looking at the fact that I need to leave my house
and my crazy mom with her crazy rules that I can't change.
& I know Jonathan needs to leave the twins house
because he can't live there forever off of the twins parents.
they're really cool down to earth people but i still feel
like a burden when I would go over.
Me and jonathan have been feeling kinda helpless not having
a place to call our own and just be comfortable for awhile now.
We really can't miss this oppurtunity because it'd be alot harder
trying to get a place on our own.
plus, jeff makes bank and their last house was awesome
he has pool table, big screen t.v. and awesome furniture.
So we've been looking at houses together that they want to rent.
We filled out a couple apps and my credit is pretty good now
so im okay.
The house i really wanted that we saw was in Norwalk on Elaine St
it was a 4 bed big living room and huge den and i also liked
the fact it was in norwalk and we'd still be close by to everyone.
we got approved, but the asian guy wanted us to sign a 3 year lease
and jeff said no so i was bummed.
They looked at another house in cerritos but i heard it was really small.
The house they really want right now is in Anaheim
which i dont really mind much because itd be right next to my work
and it'd save me alot of gas.
This house is a 4 bedroom 3 bath, pool and jaquzzi. so it sounds pretty badass i haven't got to go see it because of work.
but justin told me they filled out application and hope to move in soon.
so hopefully sometime by the end of this week they told me
to be ready to move and have a down payment which is fine because me
and jonathan are gonna split it. and we know we can do it.
monthly rent is 500 so 250 each. i think we'll be okay.
I still have plenty of money in my savings and jonathan has been
saving too. We've been doing great with money and no struggles.
But i know i used to tell myself that i didnt want to move in
with a guy unless i was married. but at the same time, this
is 2009, i dont want to dwell on the what ifs im just thinking bout
the right now, living my life and enjoying every moment of it.
Me and jonathan have good times and we're very peaceful.
so i'm very confident about my decision.
and if we do end of breaking up, i know i'll be okay because i'm
strong, and my parents will be there with open arms.
I talked to my mom about it but ofcourse, i didnt say i was moving in
with him i just said i was moving out and gettin a place with friends.
the weird thing about my mom is that she doesnt ask much questions
and she's never seen any of my sisters apartments all 5 of them.
So i know i'll be alrite. She was surprisngly okay with it saying that
she can't control me forever if im not living in her house anymore.
but,if my older sister can run back by not being able to afford her own place
i def can. im ready to grow and make serious changes.
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| if everything works out |
[07 Sep 2009|12:58am] |
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mood |
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 optimistic |
] |
i might finally move out of my house.
if everything stays according to plan that is.
i dont want to jinx anything just yet.
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[06 Sep 2009|02:57pm] |
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mood |
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 determined |
] |
Your Existing Situation
"Inclined to choose luxurious things, which are gratifying to the senses. Turned off by things which are tacky and tasteless." <---ahahahah
Your Stress Sources
"Wishes for freedom and independence, free from limitations and restrictions except for the ones she choices to give himself."
Your Restrained Characteristics
"Has high emotional expectations and desires to be the center of attention, which makes it difficult to find a satisfying relationship. her reserved, cautious nature makes her emotionally distant. "
Emotionally demanding and will involve herself in close relationships but won't get too involved or give too much of herself.
Your Desired Objective
"Has a strong desire to contribute and influence others, but it can make her restless. she is driven by her desires and hopes. Enjoys a wide range of activities, but she may spread herself to thin taking on too much."
Your Actual Problem
"Feeling held back and restricted from moving forward, looking for a solution that will give her more freedom and less obstacles."
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| i've been kinda bummed out lately. |
[02 Sep 2009|10:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 gloomy |
] |
i can't seem to put my finger on it either.
it's something that ive been feeling inside these past 2 weeks
maybe it's this miserable weather.
i hope so.
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| i started school yesterday |
[28 Aug 2009|12:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 anxious |
] |
and it actually made me feel real good.
i feel like im getting back on track and i need to keep it that way.
i'm only taking 2 classes at cypress. one speech communication class and another
is a journalism public relations class so we're going to be doing
PR for events going on in the school which sounds like fun.
i still want a better job though.
ive applied at numerous places on craigslist but its a lost cause
too many overqualified people are using craigslist right now.
i just want a quiet office job to just sit and do my work instead
of having to talk to fucking people all the damn time.
i hate retail.
and i hate how much money screws me over and how bad i need it right now.
and ive noticed how my entries havent been meaningful lately
like they used to be. all these entries this past year
have just been words. i need to get inspired again.
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| My little brother |
[25 Aug 2009|01:43am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 grateful |
] |
Most people don't know this, maybe my close friends.
But my little brother is what people would call "special".
And yes, he most definetly is the most special human being
I know. I love this kid from the bottom of my heart and I can
say that I'm his favorite from all my siblings. We just have
this special bond it's sad that I get him more than most of
my brothers and sisters do. He comes to me when my brother
or sisters don't understand him. I never knew why I never really
told anyone unless they came over. I just felt like no one understood
or had some sort of sympathy when i would tell them.
Or when i would say im taking my little brother to chucke cheese
for his bday and they would ask how old he is and id say 11
and they would make this weird face then i'd say, yeah hes
not just any 11 year old..hes autistic.
Sometimes I wish I was him. He's sort of
my hero because of how much of a care free spirit he is.
He'll always be innocent and happy for no reason with a big smile
for the rest of his life and never have to suffer through these
bullshit emotional struggles that us "normal" people face.
When I see him he cheers me up everyday when he hugs me when
I come home. He loves jonathan too I'm glad. He loves
playing video games with him and begs me to invite Jonathan over.
I went to walmart the other day and noticed the cashier lady
staring at him. It reminded me of how people can be. My mom
was pissed and wanted to say something but I helped her
refrain from saying anything. I just hate when people generally
have to stare or feel uncomfortable around human beings that
aren't like them. I was just brought to my attention because
I never looked at him like that til that day at walmart.
It just gets me angry but as long as he's happy it's not
worth being angry. I ordered him these rare collectibles
of these wwf action figures one was Bret heart and the
old school undertaker he was so excited. He's spoiled
and I'm a pretty awesome sister.
Sometimes when I doubt my family he reminds me that
he's what I need to keep me smiling and I'm thankful to
have him in my life and look at things differently
thanks to him.
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| I need time to myself. |
[24 Aug 2009|02:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 thoughtful |
] |
Ive been feeling very overwhelmed lately.
I haven't had time to sit down and enjoy being me.
I wanna go to crapes and grapes by myself and
read a book with a glass of wine and smoke a ciggarette.
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| happie |
[11 Aug 2009|06:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 loved |
] |
leaving to texas for awhile made our relationship
alot cuter than usual.
the time apart was good for us;
when i got back from the airport he had a room for me
with herb and beer waiting.
we watched adult swim the whole nite and he surprised me
with these two real nice peace sign neckleces, its no tiffanys
like what most girls get
but its totally me.
and i love him so much for it.
|
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| texas blog |
[05 Aug 2009|05:04pm] |
texas is pretty awesome so far.
we've been drinking every night and ive been to a lot
more bars than i have ever been to in cali its pretty sad.
the good thing is that ive been building up my tolerance.
my first night here tho i got ina fight with a redneck
i slapped him and punched him in the face because he said
that they need to get rid of mexicans like they did in the 50's
and gather them back and deport them back to mexico and that
its a shame theyve stopped.
so that was my reaction annette pretty much dragged me out the party
and he said i was ignorant because i was walking away..
and i was my friends are making me walk away i would have stayed.
but i was drunk and the next day i was told that the party was because
it was his birthday. hahah
so ever since then ive kept my mouth shut to the fellow texans around here
and respect their views and agree to disagree.
other than that everythings awesome so far.
we're going to the mall then hooligans .
be back later.
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| +thursday |
[28 Jul 2009|11:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
satisfied |
] |
+pack
+get off work
+midnite showing to funny people
+leave to drive to texas right after
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| I can never sleep through summer nights. |
[27 Jul 2009|01:27am] |
And I hate it because I just lye on my bed
looking up and thinking endlessly about too much
and worrying.
It's so bad..
It's the most feeling that I get and want to communicate
with someone right away
but everyones sleeping
and I'm wide awake.
With these thoughts.
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thextinydancer's journal
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